What I'm Feeling Right Now

by - Sunday, February 12, 2017

Since it’s love month, I’d like to believe that I‘m allowed to post something love related. I was staring blankly inside the metro. I'm so excited to go home from 8 hours of work, planning to squeeze in a little exercise (if I like), eat and lie down while watching a movie. But strange as it sounds (since I normally don't mind for the last 23 years) I was thinking about valentines day at the same time. I’ve met a lot of possible guys along the way for the last six years but we never get the chance to get to the next level.  Sometimes I wonder, Am I not cable of loving someone? Am I not pretty enough? Am I hard to like/love? Is there something wrong with me? I come up with all the negative questions I could think of about myself. Up until now, I never understand why guys put so much effort in a girl and then they suddenly disappear without telling why, which is unacceptable by the way, you keep backtracking what you did just to figure out why.

This happens to me every – single – damn – time.

I am a person who likes someone but doesn’t want the person to know. I build walls to hide my feelings; I do the opposite of what I really feel. Some of my friends told me that you have to at least show that you like him, give him a hint because if not, he’ll disappear. Sometimes, I think that’s one of the reasons why I’m still single. I don’t know what to say or how will I show it without being too clingy and aggressive (that's the time over analyzing and over thinking takes over). Once he’s not that attentive, I constantly say hi just to remind him I’m still here (expecting he’ll get the message - I THINK IM STARTING LIKE YOU) but he’s not that interested anymore. I’ll get upset, sad, affected and all the emotions I’m trying to avoid in the first place. I know I'm being stupid and it felt like I'm begging for attention which is pathetic, with the right amount of humiliation I’ll stop and just get over as soon as I can.

With all the things I said, I still like being single right now because I still have a lot to fix. I needed this long break to figure out what I am and who I am, to change what I needed to change and the freedom I always wanted. But sometimes I miss being with someone. There are days that I wish that someone is here, to listen what I have to say, to comfort when I needed it the most, to make adventures together, to learn new things and to have that kind of love that I’ve been waiting what feels like forever. But I guess, at this moment while writing, maybe its better because I forgot what it feels like and how to act like. Maybe I’ll just scare him away.

Love. Kristine

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